For the past 39 1/2 years I have taken for granted everything given me. Everything. Family, jobs, financial security, a roof over my head and food on the table, even my own health. A month ago the latter of the preceding started to rapidly unravel and steadfastly so. Today I can barely type this and have to backspace to correct myself every second or third letter in order to for my readers to be able to read my posting and understand my entry. Otherwise, left unedited my entry looks like garbled nonsense. I have lost muscle memory in my hands, have developed severe rapid onset neuropathy in my hands and feet, loss of short term memory, stuttering over my words, muscle weakness and spasms in my extremities, a hard time swallowing and shakiness as well as blurry vision even with my glasses on and exhaustion. On top of all of this I was laid off. Yes ladies and gentlemen, while my body was falling apart I was still working, and was even taking shit for taking an hour off every other week for Dr appointments while working through lunches more often than not, and then to put the cherry on the cake I got laid off with no notice along with 10 or so other people.
The Doctors have ruled out the normal culprets, diabetes and B12 anemia from which I am fully recovered since my symptoms have increased while my B12 saturation has also increased, numbers over 2,000 now. Today is the start of my testing to be followed by my meeting one of my two neurologists. I don't know what to expect, especially since I will be facing a lot of it alone as Adam has to work, we can't risk both of us out of work. At least he will be able to be at the first appointments with each Neurologist to meet them so I can see who he likes best and at least we will have my unemployment until we hopefully have a diagnosis. In the meantime it's musical medications while we figure out what works (Neurtontin at half doses (300mg) every 6 hours seems to be the trick without knocking me out completely) and what doesn't (Lyrica doesn't come close to touching the radiating pain I feel in my hands or feet so I don't even bother taking it).
So is this some sort of retribution for how I have lived my life? Is it my body paying me for my state of mind? Am I a bad person deserving my body for paying me back for some bad deeds done in this life or another? Or am I just caught up in some pattern of fatalistic thinking? Could this be avoided or is this hereditary like my Dads Spinal Stenosis of which many of my symptoms match? Only tests, lots of tests and time will tell. I'm sure we won't have answers right away, if we did I would be wary of them and would be speculative and would turn to my second opinion Neuro for his ideas. Yeah, I already have him lined up for the day after my Dr referred Neuro appt. No time like now to get a second Doctor engaged I say.
In the meantime, relaxation and getting rid of bad habits and addictions have been recommendations from friends near and far. I quit cigarettes a month ago so if I could get rid of my attachments to food (emotional eater) and my self esteem attachment to what I do for a living that would be a step in the right direction.
Today, Spinal MRI #1 focusing on the lumbar region of the spine for symptoms surrounding the feet and legs. Wish me luck... well, I guess all I really need to do is lay still... anyone have tape for my arms and hands? :)
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jenn, you are always in my thoughts and prayers! try your hardest to not let this get you down. i definitely understand, we go thru that feeling on a daily basis with wyatt. but somewhere along the way, some meaning come to light, and things will make a bit more sense.
ReplyDeletelove you much, k